I looked on my boyfriend’s Facebook page. (We’ve gone out for three years. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have.) There were messages to a girl he met while traveling three years ago. She lives in another country. These messages ranged from your normal conversational message, to explicit sex messages, to messages saying that they should go on holiday somewhere together or she should come and visit him here. I bought it up with him and he apologized, explained that it was all talk and nothing physical had happened and he would unfriend her, which I watched him do.
Two months later, I checked his Facebook again and he has re-added her as a friend and given her his mobile number.
Should I just accept it as a long distance flirt that will never come of anything or is he messing around? And should I ditch him?
Thank you for your advice, please be brutally honest.
Thanks for your question.
To be brutally honest, does it really matter whether or not anything comes of this? If she lives in another country, the odds are that he probably will never meet up with her. But the real question is: Do you feel like you can trust your boyfriend? Or possibly, now that you don’t trust your boyfriend, will you be able to trust him again?
Let’s spell it out for you.
1. He’s sending explicit sexual messages to a woman other than you.
2. He’s gone behind your back to re-add her on his Facebook.
3. He’s gone so far as to give her his cell number.
4. He’s basically lying to you about the whole matter. (Omission is lying in our book, especially after he deleted her to appease you.)
You may love this man, but trust is the foundation of any relationship. If he’s exhibiting this type of behavior now, who’s to say he won’t continue this type of behavior when the opportunity arises in the future. That said, often, this type of behavior manifests because of a bigger issue with the relationship. Is there something else going on in your relationship? Are you fighting a lot? Is the physical part of the relationship solid? Have you fallen into a rut? Do you still go out and enjoy each other’s company?
It’s hard to say for sure why he’s doing what he’s doing, but the first step is to sit him down and have a real heart-to-heart with him. Even if nothing has happened as of yet, he’s crossed the line. You know it. He knows it. You need to find out if he really wants to be in the relationship. (Sometimes people sabotage as an exit strategy.) We don’t know if this is just an infatuation run amok, or if he’s unhappy, or if your relationship has run its course, or if once you start communicating things will get back on track. But we do know that as of this moment, both of you are probably unhappy. It’s time to get talking and see if you can salvage the relationship. If that doesn’t work, well, then you’ll know it’s probably time to move on.
We wish you the best.