Help Me Find A Man: When To Say No To A Date

Help Me Find A Man: Who, Him? No Way!

Have you ever had those moments when your heart goes “God, help me find a man”, and then a guy asks you out on a date and your brain says “God, no!”?

Well, you’re not alone.  A lot of women realize that finding a soul mate online isn’t about saying yes to every guy who asks them out and then sifting through the coal to find a diamond.  It’s about knowing what you want, but it’s also about knowing what you don’t want.  Here are some tips that can help you identify the dates that you definitely want a rain check on – until forever!

Does He Have One Of The Top 3 Deal-Breaking Characteristics That You Hate?

If he picks his teeth for 45 minutes after a meal and you can’t stand that because your Dad used to annoy you with that habit when you were a little girl, say no!  It doesn’t have to be something annoying – it just has to be one of your top 3 “instant irritants”!  It could be the way he laughs or the way he talks derogatively about others, or any such habit that you just can’t sttand. It’s better to say no now, rather than to put up with it for the rest of your dating life together.

Does He Have Values That Are Different To Yours?

Basic shared values are very important in a relationship. Finding a soul mate, then, is not just about how well you gel physically, emotionally and intellectually, but also morally and spiritually. If your deep faith in God isn’t reciprocated by your mate, then you’re probably in for a rough ride.  There will be constant bickering about who is right and who should change.  Avoid that path unless “find me a man” refers to finding any and everything with a deep voice that walks on two legs!

Does He Have The Potential To Physically Harm You?

Have you seen flashes of uncontrollable rage in this guy?  Have you seen him ill-treating animals, for example?  Such control freaks won’t like it if you’re too independent, so if you treasure your independence, then stay away from the male that uses strength to intimidate people.  It could be you next.

When You Are Both On Different Relational Planes

If you’re looking at finding a soul mate and the guy is just out for a one night stand, then you’re not on the same page.  The best relationships are those between people with similar goals – at least as far as their own lives are concerned.  If the situation is flipped, it could turn out the similarly disastrous, because you’re not ready and he’s walking around with a ring in his pocket!

Any of these above factors could adversely affect your relationship, so it’s better to avoid them altogether unless it’s a special case where both of you are willing to make an effort to change yourself for the other person.

My boyfriend is flirting on Facebook - should I dump him?

 

Dear Guys,

I looked on my boyfriend’s Facebook page. (We’ve gone out for three years. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have.) There were messages to a girl he met while traveling three years ago. She lives in another country. These messages ranged from your normal conversational message, to explicit sex messages, to messages saying that they should go on holiday somewhere together or she should come and visit him here. I bought it up with him and he apologized, explained that it was all talk and nothing physical had happened and he would unfriend her, which I watched him do.

Two months later, I checked his Facebook again and he has re-added her as a friend and given her his mobile number.
Should I just accept it as a long distance flirt that will never come of anything or is he messing around? And should I ditch him?

Thank you for your advice, please be brutally honest.

J

Dear J,

Thanks for your question.

To be brutally honest, does it really matter whether or not anything comes of this? If she lives in another country, the odds are that he probably will never meet up with her. But the real question is: Do you feel like you can trust your boyfriend? Or possibly, now that you don’t trust your boyfriend, will you be able to trust him again?

Let’s spell it out for you.

1. He’s sending explicit sexual messages to a woman other than you.

2. He’s gone behind your back to re-add her on his Facebook.

3. He’s gone so far as to give her his cell number.

4. He’s basically lying to you about the whole matter. (Omission is lying in our book, especially after he deleted her to appease you.)

You may love this man, but trust is the foundation of any relationship. If he’s exhibiting this type of behavior now, who’s to say he won’t continue this type of behavior when the opportunity arises in the future. That said, often, this type of behavior manifests because of a bigger issue with the relationship. Is there something else going on in your relationship? Are you fighting a lot? Is the physical part of the relationship solid? Have you fallen into a rut? Do you still go out and enjoy each other’s company?

It’s hard to say for sure why he’s doing what he’s doing, but the first step is to sit him down and have a real heart-to-heart with him. Even if nothing has happened as of yet, he’s crossed the line. You know it. He knows it. You need to find out if he really wants to be in the relationship. (Sometimes people sabotage as an exit strategy.) We don’t know if this is just an infatuation run amok, or if he’s unhappy, or if your relationship has run its course, or if once you start communicating things will get back on track. But we do know that as of this moment, both of you are probably unhappy. It’s time to get talking and see if you can salvage the relationship. If that doesn’t work, well, then you’ll know it’s probably time to move on.

We wish you the best.

What It Doesn’t Tell You About How To Meet Beautiful Women

First, check out the following infographic “Gamers Get Girls,” courtesy of Loveawake.com. Then, continue scrolling down to see our commentary on it.

Gamers Get Girls

With all due respect for the researchers and graphic designers who put this little piece together (as it’s entertaining and possibly a much needed one-up-esque boost for gamer guys out there),  but to get straight to the point this infographic has a few big holes in its presentation – issues that simply don’t get addressed.

Online Dating vs. Online Gaming (vs. Offline Dating?)

First of all is the false dichotomy between meeting women via Online Dating vs. Online Gaming… As if those were the only two places people can meet. What about streets, coffee shops, train stations, bookstores, buses, malls, etc? Likewise, it also completely overlooks that when we meet someone in an online game, we’re usually interacting with their avatar. Quite a bit different meeting a female Gnome Mage in a fantasy world than a female 24 year old nail artist on a popular dating site. In the online game, we can’t actually see the girl (or dude pretending to be a chick).

Sure, we agree that online dating photos have a chance of being all smoke and mirrors. And yeah, we find there’s something strangely agreeable about the argument that we could meet the player behind the Troll Chieftainess and be impressed when she doesn’t have giant snaggle teeth in real life rather than be disappointed meeting a dainty girl from a dating site to see she’s about 50 pounds heavier in person than in her dating profile pictures.

But once again, there’s the whole false dichotomy of “getting girls” from online dating sites vs. online gaming. There’s many more places to meet women that give us a good chance to check out appearance live and in the flesh – bypassing the inherent problem of not really being able to see her figure online.

Of course, if argument is simply that guys are looking to meet women specifically ONLINE, they would be better served by going to World of Warcraft (WoW) rather than Match.com. But if the stats presented in the infographic above, even that’s tough to swallow. So let’s break down a few more points.

These Stats Spin This Way, Too.

Concerning the sample pools of eHarmony and Loveawake – The 1 million dating members on eHarmony are screened, pre-qualified prospects, thus saving massive amounts of time. In online games however, not only is time consuming, but it’s hard to even identify people’s real life gender with certainty nevertheless whether they’re single or not. The “time frequented” stat (34.6 hours / month of time in online games vs. 1.4 hours / month on dating sites) backs this up – compared to online dating sites, online gaming is a terribly inefficient way to go about meeting lots of hot women quickly. People could be spending lots less time on dating sites simply because they find a date, then log off the site.

Likewise, while the stat “33% of dating site users are dating someone from that site” paints a dreary picture of online dating, it could easily be explained that once a dating site members finds someone, they simply don’t renew their subscription.

On Match.com’s 100 to 1 message reply ratio – Besides jumping from eHarmony’s stats to Match.com for this portion, it completely paints over the rate of reply per 100 messages in WoW. Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what the ratio is for a man blindly contacting 100 players in WoW for romantic purposes before getting a reply? Of those 100 players he contacts, how many of them are actually guys? (While we can choose our avatar’s gender in video games, it’s fairly common for guys to play as female characters and women to play as male characters. Simply messaging 100 female characters hardly guarantees he’s going to be messaging 100 female players.)


Continuing, the “40% tell gamers what they won’t tell their friends” implies deeper bonds, but isn’t that really more explainable by internet anonymity? Also, our research has shown vomiting personal info / secrets tends to destroy the bonds of happy couples rather than strengthen them and bring them together. Not really sure if “40% tell gamers what they won’t tell their friends” has anything to do with “gamers getting girls” at all, actually.

Drawing Conclusions

All that being said, this infographic is entertaining and satisfying in that it pokes a lot of holes in mainstream discourse about the supposedly-non-existent intersection of dating and gaming culture. In my humble opinion, the infographic’s best pro-gamer-dating point is that “15% of WoW players are single” vs. “43% of Americans over 18 are single.” If that’s true, cool – go gamer couples.

Also, to be clear, we’re not saying meeting women online isn’t a good use of your time – we’re big fans of online dating… AND, in addition to that, when it comes to meeting more women, we like to employ a variety of ways to get the job done – not just online, not just on the street, not just at the sports gym, not just through friends at dinner parties, but rather a combination of all of these, and any other efficient ways we can to supplement our stream of meeting new women.

However, just looking at the information they’ve presented here, if you’re looking to meet women quickly, effectively and efficiently, then WoW and other games are massively inefficient places to meet lots of beautiful women. After sifting through all the players who are dudes and then all the dudes PRETENDING to women, we’re still left with the conundrum of not having knowing how she looks in real life.

And while dating sites do indeed have some mislead smoke-and-mirrors pictures, it’s hard to argue those aren’t a better indicator of how potentially attractive she is than a Female Night Elf avatar. Also, dating sites have qualified prospects – single women who are looking for dates, not phat loot. So while there are 11 million less members on eHarmony than on WoW, those eHarmony members are far more likely to be interested in meeting up with someone they met online, and quickly. The other stats about time spent in the infographic back that up.

“Gamers get girls?” Maybe, but what about flipping the underlying assumption around: gamer (girls) get guys. To us, it reads more like the in-high-demand-girl-gamers who want to get a guy-gamer boyfriend simply do so. Probably only takes one quick trip to their guild’s mic-based audio chat where they can confirm that she is indeed female by her voice before suitors are lining up outside her virtual doorstep. So, if gamer-couples really can get together via online games, that’s fantastic. However, for guys who want to play the long game that extends beyond the borders of the virtual world and screen for a high value woman of exceptional beauty (ie, you have to SEE the real person) and accomplishment (ie, getting a read on what she’s got going on in her life besides her looks), we would be highly cautious of actively, consciously venturing out into MMORPGs looking for love.

So to wrap things up, we present the following quests for all the gamer guys out there looking for a date: level up (make incremental improvements towards meeting more women daily), get sweet loot (wear nice clothes, tailor-made suits test well), grind (get out every single day and hustle new phone numbers) venture forth into new zones (experiment by getting up, getting out, and meeting more women in various new locations, both online and offline) and Be Amazing.

 

 

What If Someone Sees Me Approaching a Girl?!?!

“She was so hot! And she was RIGHT. THERE. DAMMIT. Why couldn’t I talk to her?”

Frustrating, huh?

Why couldn’t you talk to her? Try answering that rhetorical question – really, what was stopping you? We love hearing excuses about why guys claim they couldn’t talk to girls. We know them all, because we’ve had them all.

One of our favorites excuses is “What if someone sees me?” Let’s tear this one apart, right here, right now.

Fact of the matter is, no one is watching you.

Really. Think about that next time you’re pining to go say something to some girl that caught your eye. No one is watching you. People are far too busy thinking about themselves, their own lives, their own problems, their own dreams, their own hopes, and their own fantasies to ever stop, open their eyes and ears, and actually take in what’s going on around them. It’s mind-boggling.

And if the vast majority of the populous around you isn’t in floating about in their own thoughts, then they’re probably staring at the screen of a little smart phone, enraptured.

On top of that, even if someone is watching you (unlikely), then they don’t care – people watching you talking to a random girl still don’t care about you. So even though the vaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of people aren’t even watching you, what makes you think that the ones who actually are perceptive enough to check out the world around then for a moment automatically decide to focus their attention on special-little-you?

Sorry to let you down, bro, but it’s the old ‘you’re not a special and unique snowflake’ situation here. The random passerby who watches you say “Hello” to a woman in all likelihood doesn’t think about it at all. And even if they do, they probably think “Oh, those two people know each other.” When we walk up to women on the street and say “Hello,” that’s exactly what it looks like. Thus, Mr. Passerby has probably forgotten about ‘your approach’ anywhere from 2-5 seconds after they saw it, and almost certainly forgotten by the time they ate breakfast the next morning.

Even against all odds should a person actually watch you, realize that you’re approaching a stranger, and then on top of all of that, decide to invest any emotion energy into your well being, then they’ll probably be supportive. Passerby guys respect it because they probably can’t do it and passerby girls might actually be wishing you had talked to them instead.

Case in point – One of our students go tried to talk to a cute little blonde at the mall. He said “Hello!” to her as she walked by him, she didn’t even turn to look, and then a random dude who happened to see the whole thing made eye contact with our student, shook his head in sympathy, said “Women!” and then they struck up a short, friendly conversation.

So, what if random strangers ARE watching you, and they DO KNOW that you’re talking to women, and THEY CARE for some unexplainable reason, and not only that, but they also have a completely IRRATIONAL VENDETTA against you?

First of all, this is in the realm of imagined nightmare situations that actually can’t ever happen. Second of all, people watching you that DO care about your striking up conversations with girls AND aren’t supportive of you simple won’t do a damn thing about it.

That’s right. Got some haters out there? They’ll keep their mouths shut. Haters gonna hate (probably not), and they’ll also go about hating silently. Strangers almost necessarily can’t be haters – they have no negative emotional connection with you! (And if the case is that they’re not strangers, then what are you doing around people you know who are salting your game? They don’t just randomly follow you around downtown when you go and talk to women. Once again, this is a magical imaginary situation that simply could never happen spontaneously.)

But even at the end of the line, there are still guys who will insist that there are people watching who do know what’s going on and do care and aren’t supportive and are willing to do something about it are.

For this one, we have statistics. Pure numbers. Science.

Doesn’t happen. At. All. In. Any. Statistically. Meaningful. Sense. according to our stats, 1 in about 17,000 approaches.

That’s right. One time. Some random guy saw me approach a girl, yelled “Hey! What are you doing?” I said “Hello,” to him, and walked away to another part of the street. Then I went back to talking to girls a couple minutes later and everything was fine.

Alright. So maybe impossible wishy-washy nightmare situation DO happen, just like people do actually get hit by falling meteorites and trampled to death by packs of wild stampeding giraffes. But are you gonna be scared to drive your car tomorrow because you saw there was a meteor shower on the other side of the planet? Too scared to go to the zoo now?

The stats are here. We’ve tested them. And it simply doesn’t happen. Get out, get up, and go talk to as many attractive women as you can every day.

 

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[font=Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif]Do women have too many expectations when they first meet a man? The answer is YES we do! I myself have been guilty of this behavior. It’s as if we want this guy to fill in all the missing pieces in our life. We crave love and sometimes even have ourselves convinced that this guy is for us. Ask yourself why am I getting so carried away?
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